What happened?

Miles happened.

He barks at birds, digs up the ground, pees on my mom’s fruit trees, tramples our grass and tears down our fence(s). Our rear fence leads into a small vegetation-filled area that overlooks the drainage channel behind our house. Miles damaged the wood by frequently jumping into it while “bird barking” (as my mom says in Chinese), giving him a much larger backyard.

Instead of all the plans I made today, I spent it in my yard fixing my dilapidated fence.

My neighbor came to me and complained the other day that Miles’ “extended” backyard led him into his backyard because of an opening in his fence. He told me he saw my backyard before it was completely tore up and commented on how nice and pretty it used to look (It really was. We even had a tree that blossomed pink flowers every spring). Now it’s this dirty mess.

Was Miles worth it?

–

While fixing the fence it kind of got me thinking. Why would anyone want to put up with creatures that destroy their own home? Wasn’t it better off before they came and made the mess? My neighbor probably thought that it would be the logical decision for us to give up our dog. He’s expensive, stress inducing and he poops everywhere. Seems like there’s no reason to keep him.

Of course Miles is worth it. I love him so much. The friendship I have with my dog is well worth the mess he makes. When I come home he always greets me with a tail wag and a smile. When I let him in the house he just wants to snuggle next to me and have me rub his belly.

"I'm so cute"

He’s a handful to love, but I love him none-the-less.

And just like I love Miles, God loves me. Even though we screwed up our home, God loves us. When we make a mess of his backyard, He loves us. When we dig up his grass and break his fence, He loves us. When we sneak inside the house when no one’s looking and silently steal one of my favorite pairs of socks to chew on, He still loves us.

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

But having a relationship is key.

–

But if we already knew everything that everybody knows
We would have, nothing to learn, tonight

I clasped a battery between my hands and carefully trotted to my class. My shoes were just as soaked as my hair because I never used an umbrella or stayed out of puddles like my mom told me to. I don’t remember why I had the battery, but my eyes were fixed on my tightly folded fingers, worried about water seeping through the cracks. I was so fixated on my hands that I didn’t see the curb in front of me and tripped.

“NOO!” I shouted. I saw the battery fly out of my hands in slow motion toward a puddle of water. I imagined a fireball blowing me away, my classroom destroyed and all my friends hurt because of my foolishness. While face down on the wet cement, I covered my head with my arms and braced for an explosion of Hollywood proportions.

–

Needless to say, my perception of the world and how it functioned was incorrect. This story of my childhood popped into my mind today during my Perspectives course.

I’m pretty ignorant sometimes (many times). I have such a small concept of God. Even though I know he’s an incredible, omnipotent and amazing God, I sometimes get complacent because I think I figured him out. It sort of becomes an “oh, so that’s how He works, this is the way things are” mindset.

I know very little of God. I know very little about life. I know very little about his Kingdom. I know very little about what Heaven will be like.

But my prayer is to be obedient to God in the very little things that I know.

–

I noticed there wasn’t an explosion. I also noticed that some of the things I firmly believed were wrong. I held onto my beliefs so tightly that it would blur the path ahead of me. God is bigger than what’s in my hands. I need to stop looking at them and begin looking at the bigger picture. If I want God to use these tools, I need to obey and loosen the grip.

Batteries won’t explode in water.

Love is such an incredible thing from God. With love, all things are possible. It’s so powerful. So meaningful.

¹²Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:12-14

Why does such a beautiful word and miraculous concept mean so little to most people today?

“I love you.” (?)

–

Those three words are said to much. They’re not enough.

I think our loving God allows me to have some of these little silly pleasures. Saying, “Alright, Tony, have your fun. But don’t lose sight of what’s more important.” I know that I like doing this, but it took me a long time to figure out why.

I gave my life to God. I am committed to believe that he should have complete control of my life. It is my desire to honor, worship, obey and adore him. One of my favorite songs has the lyric, “We’re either riders, or fools behind the reigns.” I personally try to hold myself to that standard; I’m not in control, nor should I be.

Driving, however, gives me complete control.

Turn right, turn left, accelerate, brake–whatever I want to do, I can. “This lane is too slow, let me change lanes so that I can speed up. Tired of work? I’d rather keep driving down the 57 to Disneyland than go to work. Traffic? I know an alternate route so that I don’t have to wait too long for it.” (see where I’m going here?)

While I drive, I literally have a hand in contributing to my future. My destiny can be altered by my decisions, my actions and at my will. Power hungry? You bet!

As long as I can separate my passion for driving from my passion for God’s driving, I should be fine.

–

While on the topic of using driving as a metaphor to parallel personal spiritual themes, here’s another one:

I used to pride myself in being an observant driver. I usually knew where I was going and was rarely lost. I’ve been humbled a few times when I forget to turn onto a street or even when I mistakenly made a left turn instead of a right. Distractions are usually to blame. I’ve been getting lost lately, discombobulated and confused at where I’m headed.

Somewhat recently, I caused a three mile detour away from Yogurtland because of a wrong turn and headed north instead of south. We were lost for a while but a phone call and a U-turn quickly fixed that. Along the way we got to see nice pretty lake, a sight that we would have not seen if we weren’t lost. But yeah, we saw a lake, whoop-dee-doo. Agreeably not a big deal.

I’m pretty lost right now.

Not in the sense that I need God to find me, or that I made a wrong turn somewhere. But I’m lost because I don’t know where I’m going. I have a general idea of where I’m headed, but the streets aren’t forgiving. God put me here to be lost. I need to be lost so that I am forever searching for him and the truth, forever searching for the narrow path.

Now the questions are: A) Will I be content with being lost? Or B) Will I desperately pray and seek God for the right answers and to enjoy the ride, faithfully waiting and knowing that he loves me and is for me?

The longest answer is usually the right one.

Who knows, maybe I’ll see a pretty lake along the way. Besides, I still got to Yogurtland.

–

[We can] talk about the road behind,
how getting lost is not a waste of time.

It’s all for the sake of arriving with you.

–

“I have found that there are three stages in every great work of God: first, it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done.”

–

Impossible is impossible. The next step is “done.”

The church is a great place to grow spiritually. Personally, I can attest to the benefits of coming to church and having my spiritual family raise me. Conversely, it was the same church that negated her belief of God’s love, his compassion and provision. I don’t know how God works, and I know I’ll never find out. How is it that the two of us, who went through near identical circumstances, faced similar personal issues, walked same roads, end up in two different places?

I want to be able to have deep conversations with her. For us to find spiritual ways we can communicate to our mom without us having to always fight. For us to pray for each other. We used to be so close. We’ve been through a lot together, we have so much in common. But the more I seek God, the farther I feel from her.

This was a fake smile.

–

I was reminded of this passage.

³Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 15:3-7

–

It saddens me to see people come so close to the truth, so close to the light, and so close to the greatest prize ever, to only turn away from it as if they found something better. What caused it? What can we do to remind people about how great His kingdom is? Why is losing hope so easy?  How can I help find God’s lost sheep? What can I do?

And then God simply replied: Nothing.

I will continue to pray earnestly for God to convict with the Holy Spirit. I’ll continue to try and be a light, but it’s all in God’s hands. I need to have faith in knowing that his will is pure.

–

I love her to death, even her stupid son Rupert.

I think…

A few crumbs of clarity flaked my way tonight in the form of statistics. I’m beginning to see my blurry future slightly come into focus, however through a telescope. I was reminded of my passions and my burdens and I just don’t have any idea how my spiritual gifts can come into play.

Ask me about it.

–

Good day.

Productive weekend.

Bruised right knee.

I’ve been praying certain prayers in the past few months and God has revealed himself to me through them. I basked in his presence and I consumed his blessings. After he answered a prayer I relaxed on that prayer because my mind was at ease. I became a hypocrite of my own advice, that we need to be reminded daily of God’s love and provision. I just thought to myself, “Sweet, thanks God! Catch ya later.”

He took it away from me, forcing me turn back towards him. Well, you win God. You always do.

Begrudgingly, I’m back to square one.

–

Today during Sunday school we talked about bad days:

²²The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. ²³After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. ²⁴Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. ²⁵About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.

Acts 16:22-25

So much do I want to be like Paul. I felt ashamed knowing that I didn’t respond to suffering and misery in the same manner as Paul. Instead of dealing with it, I just got angry at God. And he’s rightfully correcting me.

–

But here’s what excites me. God does not want me to live a comfortable life. Even the slightest tangent to his will was corrected (harshly). He definitely wants me on the straight and narrow. I believe his plans for me are greater than my plans for myself. I believe that he has a great goal in mind for using me in his kingdom. I’m very excited.

I’ve been wallowing in depression lately, but I’m at the trough. It’s picking up only to blast even stronger than before. I just need to get out of my way.

A few years ago it clicked in my head that I was no longer a high school adolescent. I saw the current high school teens as a younger generation that I didn’t have much in common with.

I don’t think I’ll feel the same way about my colleagues until about three or four years has passed.

There are many moments in my life where I looked in the mirror and I saw myself differently. When I turned 21 I took a picture of myself and stared at it for a while saying, “This is what a 21yr old looks like. I think it’s time for him to grow up.”

Luckily I didn’t grow up too fast.

—

Last night was our annual Sister’s Appreciation Dinner.

I had a lot of fun.

Understatement.